Salt Lake City, UT—June has just been declared National Mental Illness Awareness Month; before that it was LGBTQIA+ Celebration Month; before that it was Pride Month; before that it was called June.

“We started running out of letters and symbols to label groups we wanted to celebrate,” said one of the mysterious figures that somehow gained the power to force one-month-long national celebrations of things you don’t want to celebrate. “So, we decided to go a different route that would include all the letters of the rainbow.”

Joe Biden made a statement yesterday to kick off the month: “This month we celebrate all the folks out there who don’t have sexual intercourse normally, like the rest of us. That’s why we gave them a whole month to try and make them feel good about themselves… a whole month… that’s a long time… reminds me of when I started that new medication… I couldn’t make it to the toilet in time for at least that long… you remember… the Pope? Anyways… oh… what was I saying… Jen? Where’s Jen? There’s a black gal here where Jen is supposed to be.”