1) Get a tattoo… They are ugly. Especially the ones of your kids.

2) Come back to church… So you didn’t like getting a 10% raise and extra day off?

3) Continue to wear your garments because they are more comfortable than worldly underwear… Have some dignity.

4) Read the Book of Mormon… You don’t want to make the mistake of realizing that it’s actually true.

5) Get Your Name Removed… What? You think you might accidentally get exalted into Mormon Heaven?

6) Get saved… You know deep down that little prayer didn’t save you. But yeah, all the attention you get for doing it can be fun.

7) Become an Atheist… Atheism is a worse cult than Mormonism!

8) Break the Word of Wisdom… That stuff is still bad for you.

9) Get interviewed by John Dehlin… Do you really want to sit there for five straight hours pretending to be an expert on the Church? BOOOORIINNNNGGG!

10) Hide from the Church… Don’t bother. They’ll find you.